Over the past week I have decided to give photography a rest. Mostly because finals will be dawning soon and papers and projects are beginning to take precedence. So this leaves me little time to spend hours wandering around town. So instead I am going to focus on writing. It has been a long time since I have written anything that even seemed decent. Over the weekend I was poking through some of my files and found a first person memoir that I had started on, but never finished. (Like any other writing project I start.) To note, its not about my life. Its actually completely fictional. This was something I started ages ago and it is meant to be a short story about an overworked journalist who is forced into a mini vacation at her grandmother's farmhouse in Oklahoma. As I have said it is written in first person point of view and has a fair amount of sarcasm in it. I actually enjoy it. So over the past couple of days when the notion struck me I would open that file and had a sentence here and there. Hopefully, if I keep that up I will have at least the first part of it to post by the end of the week. I don't want to spoil it by telling much about the story here. But I am hoping that once I post some it that a few of you here will be able to appreciate it. I think writing this is what my soul needs right now.

College is stressing me out. Its not just the work, but all the factors of my life that revolves around college. I opted out of taking a GIS class (a computer mapping program that is becoming popular in archaeology) because there is no way I can have class 3 days a week till 5 in the evening and still try my attempt at finding a job. So for the Spring I will only have 3 classes and hopefully an internship. In the Fall of next year (last semester yay!) I have to take Classics and a geographic area class. Let's not forget I already promised Dr. Quinn I would take her folklore class. I also want to do an independent study. My mind has already been brewing on what I would like to research.

Of course, classes aside I have been searching for a field school. My two issues I have to contend with is money and meeting the department chair's approval. I have found 3 so far in England that would be interesting to do. The only one that has cropped up in Ireland is the Achill Field School, but it costs $6,000. Two of three I need to actually email to see if they will be running their programs next summer. If I get a yes then I will be contacting my department chair asap.

After field school comes grad school. I have at least three contenders so far. University College of Dublin or University of Glasgow for Celtic Archaeology and University of Bristol for Maritime Archaeoology. Pfft. Something else I am going to have to find money for.

All I can really do in the end is just hope that everything works out. If its meant to be then its meant to be. I can't control fate much.

Otherwise, I'm a mess. I am distracted most of the time and can't concentrate for 5 minutes to get any work done. My weekend consisted of laying on my bed and watching tv, which is actually rare for me. I was actually going to update my journal yesterday, but my internet was being an arse.

On the brightside, in two and a half weeks is Thanksgiving break. I seriously need an extended period of stay at home before the freshmen drive me insane. Which leads me on to say that I am going to have a hell of a time looking for a place to stay next year. On campus housing has an age limit of 24 and I have hit my limit. I just need housing for about 5 months. I have found a couple of decently priced apartments, but unless I can find a job I am screwed..

Must stop procrastinating now.

At some point in time you have to cut yourself off. I suppose now is as good at time as any. So I promise. This is my last wailing journal on how miserable life is. So I have a song to share....

Crosses by Jose Gonzalez

Don't you know that I'll be around to guide you
through your weakest moments
to leave them behind you
Returning nightmares, only shadows
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright, for now

Crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders
The sirens inside you
waiting to step forward
Disturbing silence darkens your sight
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright
We'll cast some light and you'll be alright, for now

Crosses all over the boulevard

The streets outside your window overflooded
People staring, they know you've been broken
Repeatedly reminded by the looks on their faces
Ignore them tonight and you'll be all right
Cast some light and you`ll be alright

My sister just posted a picture of my dad on her Facebook page.

The sad part is...I hardly recognized him....

...Strangers....

Life as I know it has collapsed into ruins. Mistakes, realizations, ...the wrong words. What was meant to be an exciting weekend turned into my world caving onto itself. There is nothing in the rubble worth sifting for.

I can hardly breath and for the past two hours I have been looking through the fog of my tears. Never in my life have I cried so hard.

I want to vomit. I feel incredibly sick. My hands are shaking with anxiety.

All I wanted was to be in love. But I'm not allowed to have that.

Four years gone and now what do you do?

Over the past couple of weeks in my Language and Culture class we have been reading articles and discussing pidgins, creoles, dialects, and other languages. I must say it has sparked some very intense discussions in our class and has been something I have been dwelling on. So what I write here is open for discussion and not meant to be offensive in any sort of way. I would love to hear other peoples' idea and thoughts about this situation. So here we go...

Every culture and society identifies themselves with a way of speaking. Our language and our dialect is what we share with other people. It is a uniting factor, but sadly it also seems to be a dividing factor. I will start first with the dialects found here in the States alone. We have the southern dialect, the yankee dialect, the Texan dialect, AAVE (African American Vernacular English), Boston dialect, Midwest dialect, etc. The list could go on and on. it is not just our accents that make us different, it is the pronunciation of words, how sentences are put together, and the use of particular slang words. ( A popular one is the southern "y'all") Ironically, it is these differences that cause us to stereotype people around us that speak differently. We do not just stereotype them on where they are from, but also on their intelligence, behavior, and social status.

One of the dialects that catches the worst criticism is AAVE (African American Vernacular English) or otherwise known as Ebonics. The article we read dealing with this issue talked about the controversy that involved a public school making AAVE an official language there. Most people were unhappy about this decision. This choice revolved around the low grades made by African American students on standardized tests. All standardized tests are written in Standard American English (SAE). A few people believed the problem lay in African American students' incomprehension of SAE. Background out of the way, the general public seems to view Ebonics as "lazy" English, but linguists have conducted studies on this dialect and show that it has all the complexities of SAE. There is a common theory for how Ebonics was developed. It first began during the colonial times when African slaves were being brought to the States and there was a need to create a pidgin language for communication. This pidgin eventually turned into a creole and after decades of influence and remodeling comes incredibly close to SAE. But its not and being the whites that we are, we tend to point fingers at them and criticize them. In class we were made to watch a short video clip that made me cringe. A predominantly African American class of elementary students were being taught how to create their way of speech and to indicate its meaning! These young children, who have no idea that what they are doing is "wrong" in comparison to SAE, are being made to feel guilty for their cultural heritage. How would parents feel if white students were being taught how to speak Ebonics? Most people in my class discussed how learning Ebonics would have no benefit because it is ineffective in careers. Ebonics has no "real" value in the real world so to speak. This may be true, but it does not give us much right to enforce expectations on them. Also many people forget that many of our cultural slang words that we use today come from AAVE. For example, my girlfriend just used the word "blinging" in a text message. The general public is borrowing so many things from AAVE, but we still want to criticize them. It really makes no sense.

In another video we watched an African American parent was complaining about how his two sons were coming back from school and sounding "white". He seemed to take great offense at them picking up SAE. Ebonics is a group identity and it is also cultural pride. Those who seem to stray outside of it tend to become outcasts. The father even said he did not want he boys sounding like a couple of white kids. I think I can make a point that we cannot control what dialects we or our children pick up. Actually, they can speak several dialects and just switch them according to the setting. The dialect we used is influenced by our family, our culture, and the people we spend time around. (Such as kids at school.)

Moving on. The next couple of things we addressed in class was the superstandard English used by "nerds" and the language barrier. Everyone in my class, myself included, hated the article concerning nerds. The whole article was flawed and the researcher seemed to only pick those who met her stereotype of "nerd". Anyways, by superstandard English I mean precise pronunciation, the rejection of using slang words, etc. I would say that I use superstandard English. The only slang words I can say I really use is "cool" or "awesome". But I find myself using the word "neat" more than those two slang words. Even at times when I would joke around and use a common slang word like "yo" or "homie" my friends would tell me I sounded to white. (However, the whose setting of how people reacted to the my use of that word made it racial sadly. In no way was I elevating my racial status as a white.) It has nothing to do with my race really, it is only because I do not use those words in my vocabulary so its sounds unnatural coming from me. Overall, I found the article offending. It was assumed by the author that all "nerds" are social outcasts and are highly intelligent. Granted, I am not a social butterfly, but I'm also not highly intelligent. I am smart, but not the status of genius. I accredit my dialect to reading so much as I was growing up and also because I was homeschooled from elementary to high school so i did not have outside dialect pressures. I would say most of my family uses SAE. Of course, one of the issues discussed in my class was on the definition of "nerd".

My final and last discussion was on Mock Spanish, stereotypes of the Latino speaking culture, the language barrier, and should Latino's be made to speak English if they are going to live in an English speaking country. Well, this is controversial. Before I start I will admit that I found Latino's annoying. They come into our country (most of them illegal), steal our jobs, and get more benefits from our government than citizens could possible even imagine. However, I think after reading the article dealing with Latino's in the workplace and how they are treated as people I began to slowly change my opinion. Latinos' are stereotyped as being dumb, slow, and lazy. (However, why do we not notice that they are the ones who get all the dirty jobs that whites will not even touch?) I believe it is all this hatred towards their ethnicity that has created such a cruel stereotype against them. (*SkycladGypsy, maybe this can touch on what you discussed in your journal.) In the workplace, if an English speaking boss gives a Spanish speaker instructions in a language he cannot understand then it is automatically the Spanish speaker's fault for not being able to comprehend the command. Now, here is where it gets tricky. Many of you will say, "Well, they wanted to come into this country so its their problem. They need to learn English if they want to be here." Now...I firmly believe that it is the responsibility of both parties to make efforts in learning languages and helping to break down the language barrier. This is a very tricky issue and one I am not fully comfortable with yet. But since I am being trained in the anthropology profession I am trained to take a neutral stance. It is more or less to keep my ethnocentric views from distorting any research.

So how so all of you feel about what I have discussed? I promise I will not get offended by anything that may go against what I have written here. I'm just really interested in other peoples' ideas.

The morning after my birthday I woke up and started down the stairs for class when I kept getting a painful stab in one knee. I rolled my eyes at myself. One year older and I'm turning into a cripple. 24...That is only 6 years away from 30. *shudders*

I have found a great resource in one of my professors. Dr. Quinn teaches my Language and Cultures class. Even though she is a trained linguist, she actually studies Irish folklore. I had a fantastic discussion with her after one of my club meetings. Once she found out I wanted to study the Celts she was overjoyed. We talked for a good 30 minutes are various tidbits of Irish and Celtic history. (Dearest, i showed her the ogham necklace you gave me and she practically squealed. ) She said she knew a few archaeologists working in Ireland that may be able to help me. (Yay connections!). She is also going to go through all of her books and give me a list on what she recommends me to read. She was actually chatting with me about this in class and everyone just stared. It was great. it was also a great relief to talk to someone else who finds that culture just as amazing as myself. Also, next fall (my final semester) she is teaching her folklore of the British Isles class. So taking it.

Aside from college I have an exciting weekend lined up. My girlfriend ~cionbird is flying down tomorrow. She is gonna roadtrip home with me. Saturday we are going to CRF. (Get to show off my new potion bottles.) Then Sunday we are seeing Blackmore's Night in concert!!!! I'm really excited! Monday is the drive back to Charleston. I was hoping to have an excuse to miss my two classes that day, but alas I have a test in one of them. Overall, it should be a fun weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

Anyways, I need to get my sheets back on my bed and clear up a little more homework before I can call it a night. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Happy Samhain!!!!

(P.S. Sorry for the monster journal.)